1 – Cancerversary: One year ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve thought about cancer every day since I received that life-altering phone call. 365 days of thinking about cancer. No wonder my tired brain can’t remember the post-it note my co-worker left me. It is a black cloud that is always hovering above me, with some days consisting of rays of sunshine that are able to push it further aside than others.
Since today marks my cancerversary, am I supposed to celebrate? For some reason, saying “Happy Cancerversary” doesn’t sound appealing to me. I know there are many survivors out there who look at it as being gifted another year of life. And yes, I agree, that is an amazing gift. It is a gift that most of us take advantage of in our day to day activities. I think I need more time before I begin any celebrations. For now, I’ll just stand a little bit taller knowing I made it through my first cancerversary.
2 – Scanxiety: Yesterday was my first mammogram following treatment. The last mammogram I received was the catalyst for the most challenging year I’ve ever had. Re-entering that medical suite was definitely nerve-wracking. I had hoped to find comfort in some familiar faces, but the staff working that day were all different people than those I became familiar with in the past. I did, however, find joy in the changing room. I discovered that during my time of sabbatical they upgraded to fancy robes to wear over those awful hospital gowns. I was so thrilled by this that I didn’t even mind the temporary waffle imprint it left on my skin.
I had to wait awhile, and unfortunately my fancy waffle robe wasn’t enough to keep the scanxiety away. Memories of the numerous tests and procedures flooded back without warning. And fear. What will they find? How many tests will I have to undergo? What if I have to do it all over again? Yep, scanxiety reared its ugly head.
This mammogram was different than ones I’ve had in the past. My first diagnostic mammogram. More prep was needed for marking my scars and applying special stickers. No woman will ever tell you that getting a mammogram is comfortable. I found this mammogram following radiation to be excruciating. When the tech told me to hold my breath for the scan, I wanted to argue, “Hey lady, you just completely knocked the wind out of me. I’ve got nothing to hold.” But of course that required air, which I was depleted of. You win, I’ll stop breathing.
Following the scans, the radiologist personally came to retrieve me from the waiting room. He kept it short and sweet and told me that everything looks good and they’d be using this as my new baseline. Whew. But wait, that’s it? No follow up ultrasound? I’ve never had a mammogram without a follow up ultrasound. And suddenly I find myself questioning the radiologist’s credentials. He seems like a nice enough man, but does he really know how to read my mammogram? What if he missed something? And now I can’t help but wonder, is this post scanxiety? Instead of whistling my way out the door, I’m just a big walking contradiction (“please don’t find something – you didn’t find anything – I don’t know if I believe you – are you sure?”). It does make me feel a bit crazy at times. But hey, if your world now includes things like cancerversary and scanxiety, there’s bound to be some crazy wrapped up in it.
Has anyone else felt this way? Please feel free to comment and share!
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